Fallen Angel
by zacharius-galifianakis
Summary: "Win big, mama's fallen angel. Lose big, livin' out her lies. Wants it all, mama's fallen angel Lose it all, rollin' the dice of her life," Julianne had heard the song when she was little but she never thought she'd be that fallen angel.


**June 2012**_  
_

_Darlin', in my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd go.  
But it's time to let you know - I'm gonna _**harden my heart**.

I sit isolated in the corner of the cold room as everyone is standing around, quietly whispering with one another. My legs have been crossed under me on the chair, and they're starting to go numb. I encourage the friendly feeling as the urges start to gnaw at the back of my mind. The crowd of people around me are wearing clothing similar to mine: Ripped jeans, chains, black and red patterned shirts, Converse shoes or boots, tattoos and lots of body piercings, but I still feel like I don't belong here. Feeling like an outsider wasn't something I'd ever grown used to. I was always around people I got along really well with, so now, as I sit in a room with people who are just like _me –_ drug addicts, I wonder why I feel so alone. I never wanted to admit that I was addicted to cocaine and ecstasy, but does any addict want to admit to their addictions? I watch as a guy, who looks to be in his late forties, walks inside the room and I feel myself begin to shake. I'd quit cold turkey a few days ago, and now it's putting me through pure hell. I stare intently at the well-dressed man as he makes his way around the circle, shaking each person's hand. Our eyes meet, but only for a brief moment. Frantically breaking my gaze, I stare at the floor as I hear his footsteps grow closer to me, and I look up to see him standing before me.

"And your name is?" His voice is deep and raspy as he offers his hand to me.

"Julianne," I gently shake it before sitting up straight.

"Why don't you take a seat in the circle?" He gestures towards the clustered group of people and smiles softly.

Standing up from the chair, I quietly pick it up and seek an empty space to set it in. "Let's start with you," the doctor points straight at me. It is exactly what I have been dreading since I had stepped inside of this facility. I stand up, my eyes gazing across the faces that stare back at me. My hands began to shake and I clench my fists tightly by my sides, my stomach churning as I focused on the clock that hangs on the wall. Only another hour of this and i can go home and maybe if I only do a little... No. That's why I'm here. I can do this.

"I'm Julianne, and I'm here because I'm addicted to cocaine and ecstasy," I admit to the group before hastily repositioning myself in the chair, closing my eyes as I lean back. My heart is going a hundred miles to nothing, and I didn't understand why. A part of the reason is that I had finally admitted to being an addict but another reason is the fact my body is craving the drugs. Keeping my eyes closed, i take a deep breathe and place my hands on my knees, my fingernails digging into the flesh as I allow my gaze to find the floor. Crossing my ankles, I stare down at the butterfly tattoo I had gotten when Raine and I had first moved to Tampa. It's sad to think that this is where my life has led me to since then: no job, no friends, and no family. Hitting rock bottom is _definitely_ an understatement for me.

The meeting finally ends and I stand up, hastily making my way out of the room as I pull my cellphone from my pocket to dialed Raine's cellphone, patiently waiting for her to answer. "Are we still meeting for doughnuts at the coffee shop near your house?" I ask, frowning to myself as I get into the driver's seat of my old, beat-up Honda.

"Yeah, I'll be there in a few minutes," Raine sounds like she doesn't even want to see me, and I don't blame her at all. With as much shit that I had put her through, I was surprised that she had even stuck around to put up with me when I'd gotten involved with drugs. Pulling the car into the parking lot, I cut the engine and grab my purse, locking the doors behind me before walking inside of the coffee shop. I step up to the cashier and ordered myself a cup of coffee before finding an empty seat for Raine, her fiance, and me. I am happy for Raine and am glad she was getting married, she deserves something good to come out of everything I've put her through. Watching as Raine and Billie make their way through the door, I wave to her with a small smile on my face.

I watch as Billie kisses Raine on the lips before making his way to the cashier and ordering their coffee. "So how have you been?" I look at Raine as I sip my coffee. She's staring out the window and watching as cars passed by, no doubt unease at being in my presence.

"I've been pretty good," she answers, her eyes quickly darting around the coffee shop before Billie returns with their coffee.

"That's good, and congratulations on everything," I smile, but on the inside I am anything but happy.

I'm happy for Raine, yes, but I don't want us not being friends. I hate myself for ruining our friendship with her and with every relationship i once had. I don't have anyone to blame but myself, and I know that. I've been told the same thing for a year and a half now by far too many people. Even my own parents practically spat on me with disgust. After I have finished my coffee, I hug Raine and Billie before leaving. I can't take it anymore. I need to get high; the urges are killing me as I feal my heart begin to race.

"You're not doing it," I tell myself as I pull the door open, slide into the driver's seat, and pull out of the parking lot. I drive down the street where Raine and I used to live together, and I feel the tears beginning to stream down my face, before I quickly speed away. This is what my life has become and there is no one to blame but _myself.  
_


End file.
